Ask yourself these questions:        

Do you genuinely listen to what the other person has to say without already formulating an answer in your head?

Do you interrupt the other person?

Do you think too much of what the other person is thinking of you and that gets in the way of you really listening to them?

Do you listen for flaws or problems and try to “constructively criticize” or come up with a solution for them?

Do you space out and only think about yourself? Or does your mind go blank?

Are you bored? Too tired? Too stressed?

Do you really care about the other person’s viewpoint or are you overly focused on getting your point across?

When someone shares a problem or concern, do you share an even BIGGER problem or concern of your own?

Listening is an important part of communication. It shows that we can give and take and that we really care about a relationship. It is something that most of us really need to practice more of. In our fast paced world, we are in a rush to start and finish conversations. We also tend to do a lot more complaining of our own problems.

It is when we mindfully listen to others that we can really relate to others. So this week I encourage you to pay attention to your conversations. Check yourself to see if you are actively listening and all kinds of feelings can emerge ~ feelings of empathy, sympathy, understanding, respect, support and love.

Are You Around Chronic Complainers?

The way we listen in the conversations we have is important but this does not mean that you have to listen indefinitely to people who just want to vent. They are out there and they really do not want your answers, they just want to talk about their own problems. When you bring up something in your life, or change the subject or try to offer advice, they bring the subject back to meet their agenda. They live among us and are often the ones closest to us. They are our work colleagues, our neighbors, our acquaintances, our relatives and yes, even our friends.

I am not saying that you should just them out. Just listen to the words behind their words. There are those with genuine problems like impending foreclosure or a recent medical diagnosis. Then there are those who get themselves into situations where they really do not or cannot get out of. All they really want to do is complain or hear over and over again of whatever is wrong with their boss, their offender, their mother, their mate, their friend. Those like to live in crisis and although they say that they yearn for peace and harmony, they do not want to really get unstuck. They just want to chronically complain. They want the other person to change and they actually like playing the victim.

This is when it is important to listen to your own self. Ask yourself if that person really wants your help. It is very true that we all need a shoulder to cry on every once in a while, but chronic crying can indicate a need for more help than you can offer. You may not feel comfortable suggesting a therapist but you can suggest journaling or meditating on their issue, activities that offer the solitude needed for introspection.

So practice your listening skills but also remember to listen to yourself.

Are You The Critical One?

Ask yourself ~

Do you have higher expectations of people than they do for themselves?

Do you push people harder so that they live up to your standards?

Are you consistently disappointed in the efforts and outcomes of others?

Do you find yourself making remarks of “constructive criticism” to “improve” others?

Does your “constructive criticism” cause feelings of anger or hurt for others?

When we realize that we are the critical one, we have taken the first step in the quest to tone down. We can accept the fact that we do want to help but that our ways are actually doing more harm than good.

How do we have conservations with people that we feel that need to over-help?

We can do everything we can to hold ourselves back, way back, from making comments to “fix” the situation. We do something that they really need and that is, we listen, just listen.

Most people really just seek someone to listen to them and in many cases they figure things out simply by just listening to themselves say things out loud. So next time you have a conversation with someone and you are dying to put in your two cents, don’t. If they do not ask for your advice, they probably do not want it. They just want you to listen.

That doesn’t mean that you become overly distant and say things like, “I’m listening. It’s your problem, you figure it out.” It means becoming a genuine listener who really cares and can be confided in. If they do ask you what you think, you can share your thoughts in a way that is gentle and nonjudgmental.

For instance, this is an example of a critical listener who is more focused on the solution and not on the feelings of the other person.

Them: I am so worried. Our credit card debt is so high.

Critical You: Well, you just have to be strong and not use credit cards. What did you charge on them anyways? It’s all about discipline.

Or, you can become a genuine listener and confidant.

Them: I am so worried. Our credit card debt is so high.

Genuine Listener and Confidant: That is stressful. You’re not alone. Are there ways that you can tackle that?  (Tone of voice is important here and also more listening.)

You can do the greatest help by empowering them to stand strong instead of having them stay stuck in feeling criticized.

Becoming a genuine listener lets others feel comfortable in sharing with you. By letting them admit out loud to themselves that they do have valid concerns enables them to move towards seeking out their own solutions.

Are you getting lost in your own reactions?

Your own personal triggers can interfere with the way you listen to others. We all carry our own life experiences with us and it is natural to react or even overreact to what others may say.

It is easy to get lost in our own reactions but when we do that, we are disengaging from the words that the other person is saying to us. We are being confided in and yet, we disengage. Whether we drift off in our own thoughts consciously or not, the connection has been interfered with.

How do we really listen to someone when our personal triggers are activated?

We can remind ourselves that we are actively listening to the thoughts and feelings of the other person. We become mindful of staying open and flexible so that we can relax and really understand what the other person is communicating.

When someone else trusts us enough to share parts of his or her life with us, we want to honor and respect that. How else can we show that respect but by really listening to their verbal and nonverbal communications without judgment or distractions?

This week I encourage you to stay in the moment and genuinely listen in your conversations. That way you can be an active participator in the beauty of true human connection.

To Your Fulfillment,

Cara

 

Dr. Cara Alana is an inspiring Life Coach and author with a Doctorate in Psychology. Her empowering approach focuses on accelerated personal and professional growth where sustainable long-term change can be achieved, resulting in tremendous breakthroughs. Equipped with training in motivational psychology, she provides a safe and soothing place of growth and empowerment. What’s standing between you and your full happiness potential? Visit her website at http://www.lifefulfillmentnow.com