Complaining. Bragging. Putting others down. We all know the type. These people are NOT happy with their own lives and feel better when they feel superior to others. They need attention and feel threatened if they are not always viewed as the best. How can we be truly happy when we have these people around us?

The first step is to recognize that these people have their own issues. They may look totally confident on the outside but their fear shows when they complain, compare and belittle. They are afraid of losing their prime position and act selfishly without taking responsibility for their actions. They want to control YOU because they feel like they are losing control. They are externally focused but YOU can be internally focused.

You can give up feeling guilty about your success when around these people. You can gently allow yourself to be happy without flaunting it or hiding it. YOU can shine through your outlook, actions and positive attitude.

The key to happiness is found within YOU. You can do everything you can do protect yourself from these power-hungry people. You can be more private around them and be aware that they are acting and reacting from a place of fear.

You can resonate from a place of love.

We all give off and take in energy from the people around us. But, how do you know when you are around a toxic person?

Alexandra and Nicole go way back three decades. They were there for each other during their “crazy college days”, their marriages and their mothering days. Now, thirty years later, the kids are grown and have gone off to college.

We’re all familiar how marriages can suffer when the kids are out of the house. But we seldom talk about friendships that suffer.

Alexandra had been feeling strained for quite a while when around Nicole. Their friendship has become very one-sided because Nicole was always talking about herself and her constant issues but when Alexandra tried to offer advice, Nicole did not want it. No, Nicole did not want help, she wanted to vent. It left Alexandra feeling unimportant and disrespected. Mostly though, Alexandra felt guilty.

Why did she feel guilty? Even though for the last fifteen years (half of their friendship) Alexandra had felt that way, she stayed around out of loyalty to the friendship. She kept telling herself that perhaps Nicole was going through a tough time and after all, friends are there through good and bad. When I asked her how it made her feel her answer was, “I feel like I can’t breathe and I’m sinking to the bottom of the ocean.”

Not a good thing.

Alexandra and Nicole’s friendship had turned unhealthy for Alexandra as Nicole vented all of her issues onto Alexandra and yet, did not want or welcome any of Alexandra’s support. In fact, she turned on her, turning every issue back onto Alexandra.

Alexandra stayed in the friendship out of loyalty but was paying the price of feeling belittled more and more. Realizing that she did not want to feel that way anymore, she took a difficult, close look at the friendship.

She asked herself the tough questions. When you are around those who you feel stress with but feel loyal to, ask yourself these questions.

How do you feel when you are with this person? Be specific as you think about your emotional as well as physical symptoms.

Have I openly communicated my feelings to this person of how I am feeling unappreciated or disrespected? Did they apologize and not realize or did they react by getting defensive?

Is this relationship with this person based on loyalty or love?

Is this relationship one-sided? If so, are you willing to honor yourself by expressing your feelings? You can say something like, “I know this must be a tough time but I care for you and I just want to support you.”

Alexandra wrote down that although she looked forward to seeing Nicole, her longtime friend, she was always significantly disappointed when she did. Nicole only talked about her own issues and yet never responded to feedback from a caring friend. Alexandra also wrote that it made her feel undervalued and unappreciated on an emotional level. On a physical level she felt tightness in her chest and tenseness when she was around Nicole.

She realized how much of a toll the strained friendship was taking on her and decided that she wanted to make a change.

She was scared to death but one day when Nicole was on one of her complaint-fests, Alexandra calmly told Nicole that she felt as if her advice was not valued. She asked Nicole if she even wanted advice. She told Nicole that she felt as if Nicole unloaded all of her issues and that she was left with the baggage. She was sure to tell Nicole that she DID care, she just felt so unappreciated. Nicole got defensive.

Alexandra realized that at this point the friendship was based more on her loyalty. She also realized that she was not ready to completely abandon Nicole. So, she started limiting their communication to once a day. I know that sounds like a lot, but Nicole had been calling her up to thirty times a day! (And there are ONLY 24 hours in a day!)

Alexandra realized that her longtime friend Nicole was going through a rough patch that she perpetuated through a lack of looking within and doing anything to move forward. She also realized that this rough patch has lasted for their entire friendship. Nicole was usually a pseudo-happy self with all their other friends and complained about everything to Alexandra.

Alexandra decided that she would still be friends with Nicole, but on a more limited basis. She had to protect her own self and her own state of mind. At first it was difficult, very difficult. There was guilt and lots of it. But, she was so driven to change the relationship from a codependent one to a healthy one.

By limiting the frequency and durations of their phone calls and get-togethers, Alexandra was able to still be there for Nicole but without feeling resentful. At first Nicole seemed to be bothered and questioned Alexandra about why she was not more accessible. But, now three months later, the two have forged a new way of relating that has actually strengthened their friendship.

Boundaries work.

It’s important to stay strong when a friend is going through a tough time. By taking the time to nurture yourself and set boundaries on your time and emotions, you will prevent yourself from your own downward spiral.

So the next time a friend is going deeper in the ocean of stress and is trying to pull you in, visualize a sign that says: No diving.

After all, she needs you to stand firm on level ground and simply put out your hand. It’s really all the support she needs.

Nicole and Alexandra now share a mutually respectful friendship based on give and take. They were able to move away from unhealthy patterns and codependency and move towards a place of transformation and a healthy friendship.

To Your Fulfillment,

Cara