During the last month hopefully you were able to sit down to reflect on the things that you seek to make up your ideal relationship. Wasn’t it an eye-opening experience?

Here is an example from a client of mine we’ll call Kelly (with her permission, of course). Kelly came to me because she really wanted to have direction in her dating life. She could not find a man who she trusted.

With clear self-esteem issues going on, Kelly insisted on focusing solely on her dating quest. I asked her to begin by making a list of what she was looking for and what she was not looking for in a relationship.Kelly’s original list looked like this:

What I need in a relationship: Handsome, tall, rich.

What I want I a relationship: Fine dining and generous with money, lives nearby and nice car.

What I would like to have in a relationship: Fun outings with good friends.

Deal breakers: Lying, smoking, drug usage.It did not take long for Kelly to look at her list and realize that no wonder she was attracting the wrong men! On her “needs” list, she did not mention one personality attribute! On her “wants” list, she listed solely materialistic things. On her “would like to have” list, she only listed a social item because she really did not know “what else to write and had fun in social situations.” Her “deal breaker” list was very general. She was successful in attracting men who didn’t tell lies; in fact they were brutally honest. Since she did not mention kindness, her dating encounters went something like this: “I really was looking for someone younger/more exotic/taller/shorter/more independent/less independent, etc.”

For the first time, she had that moment of pure truth. She was ready to step back and take a look at whom she really was inside before revising her list.

She really took the time to look within and honestly assess what she truly was looking for. Look at it with an uncritical eye since it represents her true intentions. Likewise, you may feel apprehensive to write down certain things like “lots of investments” but if that is really important in order to support the traveling golf lifestyle that you yearn for, I encourage you to be authentic with yourself and write it down. This act of honesty and courage honors what you are passionate about and will empower you to seek what you really desire.Here is Kelly’s revised list:

What I need in a relationship: Honesty, monogamy, easygoing personality, sense of humor, financial security, physically attractive (including being a golfer).

What I want in a relationship: Likes traveling and taking golf vacations, a really good golfer, close to retirement age, large savings, kids grown and out of the home, no ex-spouse emotional issues, lots of investments, at least 6 feet tall.

What I would like to have in a relationship: Affectionate, a home on a golf course, enjoys gardening and cooking together, no pets.

Deal breakers: Smoking, excessive drinking, flirting, cheating, bragging.

See the incredible difference? Since she took the time to do the soul searching that she needed to do, she was able to visualize her ideal relationship “to the tee.” (Her words, in golfer’s language)

She was a divorced mid-life woman who came out of her marriage disillusioned and confused. Her husband had one day come home and said he was not in love with her anymore. He filed for divorce.

After a little while, well-meaning friends and family encouraged her to try online dating. After all, they insisted, it was safer than wandering the bar scene. The Internet did not pan out for Kelly. The men who were interested in her were not right and the men that she found attractive did not think she was right. She felt lower than ever when she I first met her. After a couple of months of coaching, a new Kelly started to emerge. What happened was she discovered the true and beautiful Kelly. She discovered her soul and began to listen to it.

She started doing things for HERSELF. She made the time to play more golf and joined a nearby golf club. It was expensive and she did not really have the time, but she was committed to invest in herself and MAKE the time.

After becoming crystal clear on exactly what she needs, wants and does not want in a relationship, she was energized to begin her journey to finding Mr. Right.

You know what? With her intention in order, she started attracting men with many qualities on her list. There were a few Mr. Wrongs, but she was able to weed them out immediately. Bragger, out. Flirt, out. Not a golfer, out.

Nineteen months after honing her list, she is dating Mr. Right. He is an accomplished golfer from a nearby club that she joined, divorced with grown kids, will be retiring in two years from a successful career, is 6’ exactly, handsome and kind. She introduced him to cooking and he introduced her to sailing. However, he does have pets; actually tropical fish and they are in a gorgeous aquarium in his living room. But, there are absolutely no deal breakers. They have been in a committed relationship for seven months now and are just starting to talk about marriage. This is from a woman who never wanted to get married again! 

Because Kelly knew what would truly fulfill her, she went into every potential relationship with a crystal clear vision and with her eyes wide open to what she yearned for and what she would absolutely not put up with. And you can too!

To Your Fulfillment,

Cara